Updates to “Benamins” Post

4 October 2015 – My sister commented on one of my daughter’s Facebook posts. Apparently she unblocked me and commented on a post that I did so I would see it. Not sure what kind of game she is playing.

– My mother may have life insurance, not sure, but her burial is already paid for.
–  I have taken my mother to Rapid City, Ocean City and Niagara Falls. She paid her own way to my home and to Okinawa and Germany but I covered all of her other expenses, the same for when we lived in Fort Walton Beach, FL.

– My wife said that we probably cancelled our plans with my sister in April because the end of March is when she found out her cervical fusion wasn’t fusing and would need another surgery if a bone stimulator didn’t help.

12 Oct 2015 – I called my sister at 5:18 PM, left a message, was called back at 5:21.  Talked to my mom.  She asked if I wanted to talk to my sister, my sister said no in the background.

25 Oct 2015 – Called and talked to my mom. My sister went on for a while about her anger over the Disney. According to her we cancelled with 6 months notice and she hadn’t even booked her trip yet. That should have been acceptable (see note above). We definitely would have cancelled 1 month prior, in September, because of my torn muscle. She then asked why I threatened to sue her in my last email. I explained that I wasn’t going to sue her but would need legal help to make her medical decisions if my mother came to live here. She then accused me of letting my mother’s prescriptions run out, including her dementia pills, while she was visiting us years ago and she has pharmacy receipts to prove it. I know we had a hard time filling at least one and my sister had to do something at a pharmacy in her town in order for us to fill it here. She may have receipts showing she filled my mom’s prescriptions when she got home, but none of them ran out, maybe low, while she was here. I don’t understand why she is so against my mother coming here. My wife is a CNA and no longer works. We don’t have any children living with us either. My sister refuses to have a home health nurse or any other medical professional/volunteer visit with my mother at her home. My sister refers to my grandchildren as my “wife’s” grandchildren. She thinks I should call my mom several times per week, but when I suggested that she could call me after she talks to my mom’s doctor, she said she isn’t allowed. A call from her is rare, no one forbid her to call, and I have my very own phone. This prescription issue is new and came up after I said my mom could live here and it seems like she wants me to break off all contact with my mother.
Some other notes:
I have heard them on the phone yelling at mom to go to her room.
They don’t make their son pick up his toys and mother trips on them, then they blame her.

15 Nov 2015
Today I called to talk to my mom.  No one was home, but my sister called back later.  She told me that she had my mom in a home for the weekend so they could spend some time together.  This is something that I have said she could do, but she had never done.  She spent a long time detailing a two year search for an appropriate home and kept repeating, “Now do you understand?”, while I perceived that she was talking down to me.  She also said that this home is where she is going to put my mother.  Whenever I had mentioned a home as a possibility, she accused me of being a horrible person and detailed all the horrors that happen in homes.  She also said that my mother brings in too much money for the discounted rate and that she has detailed financial information on my mother for the last five years.  I’m not sure why she felt the need to bring this up.

During the last call when we talked about me taking over my mother’s care, she falsely claimed that my wife and I let my mother’s medications run out when my mother last visited us.  An attorney told me that since my sister has Power-Of-Attorney over my mother, she would have to either voluntarily allow me to take over her care or I could sue her to take over care.  In order to sue her, I would have to prove that she is not providing adequate care, which is impossible to do from 1K miles away.  Also, I would have to prove that we did not let my mother’s medications run out when I didn’t keep the receipts from the prescriptions we filled and did not take photos to prove that my mother had all her required medications when she left.  This would make it impossible for me to sue to take over my mother’s care.

My sister also said that even though my aunt had a stroke a few months ago, she comes at a moment’s notice to watch my mom whenever they need it.  I’m not sure why she said this unless she was trying to lay a guilt trip on me, but this differs from her previous statements that she was angry that my mom’s sisters were having less and less to do with my mother.  She said they even refused to watch her overnight.

After I finished talking to my mother, with my sister listening in via speakerphone again, my sister stated her anger at letting my daughter know what was going on between us, and that I should not have “brought the kids into it.”  However, she is the one that messaged my daughters saying we had a falling out and deleted them on Facebook.  Only one of my daughters asked me what happened and I told her.  I don’t understand why she is reversing the “blame” on this.  Also, her husband did not delete my daughters on Facebook and my sister has been stalking their pages, randomly liking or commenting on posts.  I’m not sure of her reasoning behind these actions either.

6 December 2015
Called my sister to talk to my mom, no one answered, didn’t get a call back.

25 December 2015
Called my sister to talk to my mom, no answer. Got a call back a minute later from my brother in law and spoke to my mom. I was on speaker again with him monitoring the conversation. When my mom was done talking, she asked, like she always does, if I want to talk to my brother in law (it’s usually my sister). I said sure but I could hear him in the background making excuses so I saved him the trouble and hung up. At least my sister didn’t try to start an argument or make any disparaging remarks.

During the conversation my mom said she didn’t have my number. I told her my sister has it. Her address book mysteriously disappeared when she moved in.

13 Jan 2016

I haven’t talked to my mom since Christmas day.  Thought about calling her on Sunday, 10 Jan 2016, but the thought of having to talk to my sister makes me feel ill.  I start feeling it about mid-week and it gets worse as the weekend approaches.  On Sunday, I just felt so ill that I decided to call Monday evening and felt better for the rest of the day.  The ill feeling came back Monday and was so bad that I decided not to call.  It’s Wednesday again and I’m starting to feel ill again about calling this weekend.

18 jan 2016 – called but no answer. No callback

24 jan 2016 – the house phone has been disconnected, called sister’s cell phone but her husband answered. I was able to talk to my mother. Something I’ve noticed is that every time I call, my mother is in her tiny bedroom.

25 jan – emailed sister and asked if my mom’s condition has changed since the last time we spoke. She has been having her husband answer the phone, even her cell phone. I don’t know why they won’t give me an update when I call without making me specifically ask. Control issues?

26 jan – sister emailed back saying her condition hasn’t changed

5 feb – Called sister’s cell, left message, no call back.

14 feb – Called, no call back.

25 feb – Called and my sister actually answered the phone, talked to me like a normal person, and let me talk to my mother. My sister said I should call on Sundays, but not this Sunday, since her husband will be home. She said my mom understands him better and she’s too busy during the week caring for her son and our mother. Does this mean that she’s too busy for anyone or that she just wants me to call when her husband is home so she doesn’t have to talk to me herself? In an earlier rant, she was adamant that I should be calling 3 days per week to check on my mother’s condition but I guess once per week is what she wants now.

06 Mar 2016 – Called my mom to wish her happy birthday.  My sister’s husband answered her cell.

20 Mar – Called, no answer. Left message. No call back.

27 Mar – Called again on a Sunday, as directed by my sister, to speak to my mother. Again, there was no answer and no call back.

28 Mar – Got a text from my sister today at 1438 saying she just realized that she missed my call. Her phone was dead in her purse and had to charge overnight. However, when I called, it rang 5 times instead of going straight to voice mail. This means her phone wasn’t dead when I called and also means it rang in a house full of people as they were at my aunt’s house for Easter. She also liked one of my youngest daughter’s Facebook posts. She continues to like random posts on her page while completely ignoring my oldest daughter.

10 April – Talked to my mother without incident

24 Apr – Called, no answer. My sister called me back while I was on the phone with my daughter. I called back, no answer. A while later she texted me that my mother was out with her sister. This seems weird because my sister has said that my Aunts won’t spend time with my mother because they’re afraid she’ll have another fainting spell and don’t want to deal with it. She didn’t let me know when my mother returned home.

1 May 2016 – Called my sister so I could talk to my mother, no answer.  She texted back several hours later stating that my mother was in “respite” and they were doing “stuff” with her son this weekend.

8 May – called and talked with my mother. First time since 10 April.

22 May – Called at 12:30, no answer. My sister texted 4 hours later saying they were at a Cub Scout picnic and that it would be too hard to let me talk to mom now. It’s after 8 now and no call back, just like on May 1st.

5 Jun – After some phone tag, with my brother-in-law, I was able to speak to my mother.

19 June – Called at 1130, no answer, call back, or text with a lame excuse about how they
were too busy to let me talk to my mother.

26 June – Called to talk to my mother. No answer, but got a text later, from my sister, saying that my mother can’t talk anymore and that if I want to know how she’s doing, I can email my sister.

3 July – Called to talk to my mother, my sister said she can no longer talk and that I need to email her for updates because talking on the phone is too awkward. She said that if my mom passes or is put in a care facility, she will “do the right thing” and send me an email. 

28 Aug – Finally sent the following email:  “I’m emailing to ask you how mom is doing per our last phone conversation where you said she was unable to talk on the phone and that I wasn’t permitted to call anymore.”



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